All in the Republican Family

In a way it’s too bad that someone will in the end have to win the Republican nomination.  They could turn  this farcical “ race” into a sitcom that could last for years. Or a reality show that would combine Survivor and the Great Race with the Kardashians and the Biggest Loser.
I can think of many real life plot s that our American audience hasn’t yet  discovered.  For example, I recently discovered that  Rick Santorum, former rightwing Republican Senator from Pennsylvania  ,comes from a great family in Italy, a family that all of our readers would respect and admire.

Italian journalists interviewing some of Santorum’s relatives discovered that they were staunch, proud, and in the case of his grandfather prominent Communists.  His grandfather, Pietro, according to a quote from an 83 year old relative in the Italian journal, Oggi, and his uncles in Italy were “Red Communists to the core.”     She and others compare him to a fictional TV  hero whose battles with a local rightwing priest later became the basis for a popular Italian television series.

I can imagine Santorum continuing to run for the GOP presidential nomination only to come home and be denounced by his relatives as a fascist, a black shirt, and a class traitor.  But, he would say, in America we Republicans represent the “red states” and remember Garibaldi was a republican (but, his relatives would say, not your kind of Republican, Duce Rick).

In any case, Santorum would try to silence his relatives by telling them to stay in Italy and offering them Godfather’s Pizza franchises in order to make them good capitalists.   They would of course, being very fine people, indignantly refuse, seeing this as an insult to their principles, their commitment to the working class, and Italian cuisine.
But this would only be the beginning. The series would then take an interesting turn as Gingrich, who in the 1990s once called Bill Clinton a “Stalinist” (you can’t make this up) would learn of Santorum’s  family roots and  announce that “I have here in my hand list of 205 of Santorum’s Communist relatives who will get jobs
in the State Department if Santorum is elected President.”  

Santorum would counter with his own list.


And, with a tip of my hat to a British  humorist who came up with this line for  our present society,  all the Republicans would unite around a slogan that will  sum up the philosophy of their party and  be their forever after  answer to Marxism, socialism, communism, even liberalism:  “From each according to his vulnerability to each according to his Greed.”

Of 410 women that Gingrich offered at various times to both marry and divorce.  If Gingrich became  president, he would say, all his alimony payments would become public and  substantially ncrease the national debt.
Gingrich, feeling vulnerable,  would then go on the attack against Romney, accusing Romney of undermining family values when he was governor of Massachusetts by raising  marriage license fees.  Romney would reply that raising marriage license fees was a deterrent against serial grooms like Gingrich.  Ron Paul would then chime in that he is the only real conservative in the group, against more and more spending and more and more marrying.  
Gingrich, becoming more and more desperate, would join with Santorum to accuse Romney of plotting to use the presidency to mandate polygamy in the United States.  Santorum would further claim that Romney has not released his tax statement because it would show that he has five wives.  Romney would counter that it is well known that Communists believe in “free love,” which should convince all voters that Gingrich, like Santorum’s relatives in Italy, is a Communist!
The series season finale would have all of the candidates agreeing that the Obama health care legislation would be a disaster for America.  They would all stand with pointers around a blow up picture of New Jersey governor Chris Christie and warn that this is what the Obama health care  legislation would make America look like.  
In the best case scenario, the Republicans in 2012 will all  go down to a crushing defeat and their series will be renewed.  In 2013, Chris Christie will join the series after going down to a crushing defeat and failing his written test to get a teacher’s license and numerous physical exams to join local New Jersey  police and fire departments.  

Michelle Bachmann will also be back with her new husband, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Herman Cain, having opened up a chain of Generalissimo Chiang Kai-shek eggroll restaurants in Alaska, will also hit the campaign trail with the slogan, 98.6, 98.6, 98.6—a promise to everyone for a 98.6 normal temperature, a life expectancy of 98.6, years  and a 98.6 % return on all investments.  And he would be the Republican front-runner for 2016.

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