1-02-07, 9:19 am

If only reality were as easy to cope with as television. In our not so simple world forces of social progress sometimes fight against other forces of social progress, imperialism sometimes fights reaction, political coalitions are ad hoc and messy and there are victories, defeats, many zig zags and many one steps forward, two steps backward.

But this rarely happens on television, which is based largely on genres (sitcoms, melodramas) and formulas where, in the tradition of  the old Hollywood dream factory, there are mostly happy endings or at least reassuring ones.

So as I looked at the deepening and very depressing conflicts in Western Asia (universally called by the old British imperialist construct “the Middle East”), I asked myself what formulas U.S. television would apply.

First I thought they might appeal to contemporary cynicism and use as the key story idea for the region Franklin Roosevelt's famous characterization of used of a Caribbean dictator in the 1930s, “he's a son of a bitch but he is our son of a bitch.” This would mean highlighting the conflicts and giving either real cheers or qualified Bronx cheers for “our SOBs,” against “their SOB's” while providing viewers with something like a sports lineup to distinguish between the two.

To a great extent, this is already happening in real life as many people of Jewish background and many non-Jewish progressives who fear the dangers of political anti-Semitism are saying little  about Israel's destructive and self-destructive policies, not because they are “intimidated” or “brainwashed” by a “Zionist lobby” but because they sense a significant and sinister rise in anti-Semitism connected to events in the Middle East and don't know how to both promote peace in the region and fight this anti-Semitic trend. 

It is also what some on the left who fear a Bush war against Iran are doing in regard to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's recent hosting of apologists for Hitler fascism, that is, either keeping silent, or criticizing Ahmadinejad for helping the “Zionists.” (This assumes that the “Zionists” are monolithic the way old cold war liberals who criticized Joe McCarthy in the U.S. for “helping the Communists” by persecuting them assumed that the Communist movement was monolithic, and calling upon progressives to “condemn Zionism” as Jewish fascism just as cold war liberals demanded that progressives condemn “red fascism.”) 

The one thing about the U.S. ruling class is its ability to maneuver quickly and recycle its political themes, and to keep many aces in the hole. If it serves the interests of the U.S. ruling class to dump the Israelis and scapegoat them for the troubles of the region, something that has happened over and over again to Jewish communities that served as buffers, middle men, and convenient scapegoats for oppressive regimes in central and Eastern Europe, ABC or FOX might come up with series, The Patriot Firm, about a group of Washington Lawyers fighting the “Zionist lobby” on Capitol Hill, whose leader professes romantic love for the widowed American Queen of Jordan

Or if the Israeli military still had significant value as a regional force to protect imperialist interests in controlling the region's oil supplies (the central reason why U.S. governments have supported Israel so strongly since the Six Day War of 1967, after largely giving them the cold shoulder in favor of regional military alliances with various anti-Communist regimes before that), NBC or might come up with an action-adventure series, Ariel, about an Israeli Rambo training a Mod Squad of counter-terrorist fighters to win the “war against terrorism.” (Arnold Schwarzenegger might even be lured from his present job as governor of California to play the Israeli Rambo who also seeks to win the heart of Hilary Clinton.)

But then, after thinking these horrible thoughts, I got an idea for a great sitcom that would fight imperialism, racism and anti-Semitism. I even began to think of what the pilot would be like.

First the big story idea and general formula. Bush and Ahmadinejad are deposed and end up together, like Oscar and Felix, the old Odd Couple of theater, movie and television fame, sharing a flat in London after Tony Blair has given them both asylum and British citizenship. Ahmadinejad is the clever conniver (a rotten Felix) and Bush the lazy dope (a really stupid rather than sloppy Oscar), thus providing the series with a touch of realism.

In the pilot, Ahmadinejad tries to become a leader in the Conservative (Tory) party among UK Muslims. This initially presents a problem since most are of the Sunni denomination and many are from Pakistan. 

For Ahmadinejad this is a minor thing and he simply announces that he has been born again as a Sunni. He then begins to argue that the eight hundred million Hindu heathens living on Indian soil that belongs to Sunni Muslims should be resettled in the arctic, which he believes is only fair and which global warming will make feasible. 

He also organizes a conference to present “both sides” of the issue of the Mogul Empire's(Mongol converts to Islam who conquered India) oppression of Hindus, and the conference is criticized  for featuring speakers who claim that the Moguls brought civilization to the superstitious Hindus and all violence directed against Hindus was purely defensive.

Meanwhile, George Bush with Tony Blair's blessing tries to become a “New Labor” member of the Labor party. He starts by joking to a Labor party convention that he will now use the British spelling for Labor as against the American spelling and proceeds to change Laber into Labur.

He also tells the Brits that he never snorted Bloke and Laura Bush will be his only mate. When he is told that his new friends in “new labor” support abortion rights he warmly endorses this position and proclaims his support for a policy of “no pregnant woman left behind...” When he is informed that “new labor” supports stem cell research, he quickly supports that position, announcing that he never really knew what a cell was while he was president of the United States.

The pilot ends with Bush and Ahmadinejad returning to their flat for a political meeting with two clergyman, a “new labor” Mullah and a Tory Rabbi, respectively, who have just come from an ecumenical meeting of Christians, Jews, and Muslims in Britain. 

But the two clergymen look very much like each other and Bush and Ahmadinejad get confused.  Ahmadinejad tells the Mullah whom he thinks is the Rabbi that some of his best friends in Iran were Jews and he always considered the Israelis to be more chic than the Arabs and much more dashing soldiers. Although he is now a Sunni trying to win over Pakistanis to the Tories, he tells the Mullah that he doesn't take religious laws that seriously and then offers the Mullah a roast pork sandwich to prove his point, after inquiring if the Mullah keeps kosher.

Meanwhile Bush tells the Rabbi he thinks is a Mullah that he really invaded Iraq to help Muslims.  He uses the fact that his administration aided the bin Laden family in leaving the U.S. immediately after the September 11 attacks as evidence of his deep respect for Muslims, particularly Muslims with money. 

Finally, he tells the Rabbi that he and his friends in Texas never really liked the “Jew boys” in either the U.S. or Israel. He then offers the Rabbi a Halal meal provided by the Halliburton corporation but has a Bush moment and calls it a Halliburton meal from the Halal corporation.

The pilot ends there. In subsequent episodes that I am now working on, Cheney visits and shoots Prince Charles during a hunting party, Ahmadinejad organizes a volunteer group to fight for what he now calls “Islamo-Western Civilization” threatened by the Hindus in Kashmir, calling his group the Kashmir Kabobs (Bush calls them the Kaboobs)

In the last episode, both are knighted by Queen Elizabeth as Ahmadinejad pledges eternal loyalty to the Commonwealth and British Petroleum and Bush sings God Save the Queens.

Unfortunately, TV formulas rarely work in reality and both Ahmadinejad and Bush will be with us for yet another season in 2007. 

However, the American and Iranian peoples will hopefully make a New Year's resolution to intensify their struggles to get rid of both of them in the near future, consigning both to the contemporary junk heap of history, the world of news file footage and television reruns   

--Norman Markowitz is a contributing editor of Political Affairs. Send your comments to